Gods of Advertising

“I know – Let’s put this shit in a can!”

A while back I was tasked with developing campaigns for a caffeinated malt liquor. It shall go nameless. The idea for this heinous concoction could only come from the minds of a large brewery desperate to appeal to young people. Very young people. Probably south of legal drinking age. After all, who else would drink it besides kids who a) want to get really drunk and b) want to stay upright?

“You can sleep when you’re thirty,” was one of our headlines. “Go Long,” was one of our taglines.

Regardless of your opinion of said creative, that was the strategy. Oh, we tried to make the advertising as cool as possible. Designed the hell out of those headlines. Made them look like graffiti or tattoos. Can you say Ed Hardy?

Fact is, we were doomed before we even left the briefing. It was all so messed up. Selling rocket fuel to young douchebags simply sucks. The best we could do was try to tell the truth and be funny. And because the truth is inherently gross the joke was on us.

Some products are like that. Their DNA is so strong in a bad way that its stink cannot be overcome. Taco Bell continues to churn out gut melting travesties of Mexican food and we wonder why, with a few exceptions, the advertising turns our stomach. That the chain is sometimes successful has more to do with marijuana than marketing. Broke and stoned teen-agers gotta eat.

Take this new campaign for something called “Lime-a-Rita.” In the commercial, an art gallery is transformed into a party after two young ladies are served. A statue comes to life and starts boogying. Oy.

Of course this ad is lacking. The product is. Starting with its name. I don’t even know how one begins to tell the truth about this goo. It’s Z-grade tequila (and only a little) mired in green soda pop. I’d rather just pour Cuervo in a glass of Mountain Do. If truth be told, I did a lot of that back in the day. One of many reasons why I don’t drink anymore.

Kids will be kids. They’ll mix shit with shots. The problem is when brands try to do it for you. Red Bull and Vodka is popular but not sold that way. Some drone in sector G of the brewery want to create a caffeinated beer and sell it at 7-11, the agency is going to give him exactly the advertising it deserves.