Gods of Advertising

“It is the biology of tranquility.” And so begins one of the most purple-prosed commercials I’ve ever seen –for a mattress. The ZenHaven, I believe it is called. As if the words Zen and haven didn’t say enough by themselves.

The secret ingredient of this mattress is latex. But not just any latex. “Pure tree-tapped latex whipped to an airy foam.” It’s then poured, cured, frozen, burnt, molded; and other “magical” things to create, well, a mattress

You would think they were making a divine dish for the Gods! Maybe it is. “Zen Haven is a chance to return to nature every night.” Have any of these folks gone camping before? After two days most of us crave a hot shower and a real bed.

Anyway.

Fancy hand crafted mattresses are all the rage now. Adweek just did a piece about them and their marketing. Besides ASTONISHING quality, the other part of the story is that when you buy Zen Haven or one of these other beds, you get to bypass the grody mattress stores that anchor every strip mall in America. I won’t lie. That is a bonus. Few things are as mind numbing as killing your Saturday shopping at Mattress World.

I get it. Sleep is super-important. And is something we all could use more of. Getting the right mattress can, I concede, be a life-changing purchase. And these magnificent beds are the result of that inherent belief.

I have no qualm about that.

But as a copywriter, I marvel at the extreme writing of this script. Not only does Zen Haven compose a story linking nature and sleep they prove their case by romanticizing the shit out of latex. Folks, it’s glorified rubber!

Back in the day Chrysler motors made up the phrase, “Corinthian Leather” to dramatize some of their car’s interiors. Leather alone wasn’t special anymore. “Fine Corinthian Leather,” however was. Especially when the actor-spokesperson Ricardo Montalban said it.

Thing is it was Grade-A marketing bullshit. And of course it worked. As with the mythology around Budweiser being “beach wood aged” or Coors being “cold-filtered,” we Americans love a good hook. And we copywriters are more than happy to oblige.