The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

I talked about how I looked like the mass murderer Chopper Read and that it scared the hell out of me because while I never was a looker – bar the photo above, on my first day at ‘big school’, albeit with a ‘school badge’ on my jacket that was the size of Africa – I never realised I was that visually challenged.

On one side that is to be expected, because there is a huge amount of research that has identified that our brain is designed to protect us from harmful truth – hence ‘rose tinted glasses’ is not purely delusional, but also biological – but still, it was pretty confronting.

However, once the initial shock passed, it was kind-of liberating because when you know that your youth wasn’t your golden age, you don’t really care about all that stuff and then you can embrace who you want to be rather than feel oppressed by who society expects you to be.

Which is my way of explaining – and justifying – why I recently went to work dressed like this …

I should point out that I thought I was going as Patrick Star … a character from SpongeBob SquarePants, however seeing this photo, I realise I went as the Pornhub version, because I am a giant penis.

I appreciate many of you have long thought I was a dickhead, but my god – this is bad.

HR violation bad … made worse by the purple ‘cow print’ lower half which, in a certain light, looks a big like old man testicles.

That said, I went to great effort to colour code my footwear to my outfit with pink socks and yellow Jordan’s, which may be the first time in my history I have been so co-ordinated. Just a shame I decided to save it for the time I dressed as the biggest dick since Elon Musk.

So to my colleagues, I wish to publicly apologise and – in my defence – point them to this post, to explain how they are really all to blame for this alarming lack of judgement.